I was sitting on the plane on the way home from Melbourne a few weeks ago and I got out my crocheting. I appreciate time away to catch up on crocheting because when I’m at home if I sit down I accidentally set off the ‘I need juice/milk/food/WHY DON’T YOU FEED ME alarm’.
“That looks really peaceful”
I looked up at the person sitting next to me and I had that kind of shock of someone recognising something in you.
“Yes it is.” And I could have gone off on a tangent about how I never get to sit down and do it at home and shifted into that kind of conversation that parents have to other parents. But I kind of just sat there in the moment and I didn’t say anything else. I didn’t dilute that spark of recognition with anything else.
“I feel peaceful just watching you do it.”
I think there is a great amount of joy in other people connecting to what you do – whether it is your writing or your running or even your crocheting. It can remind you that you are writing your own story. That you aren’t just wandering through having things happen to you.
I’ve been kind of in the hole for about three months now. It’s easy to see that in hindsight. But when you are in it, you don’t see it. Everything about it seems normal. Nothing seems out of place. And you manage, more than you live. It’s only when you look back on it that you can see that you were there and it seems so clear – neon sign clear. A reminder that it never really goes away, I just manage it better. Or I’m more able to stare into the abyss and tolerate it staring back at me.
It makes sense now. Creativity taking a nose dive into nothingness, extreme resistance to anything hard in my training. listening and reading less. Managing the internal is so demanding, there’s nothing left for anything external. It must seem boring to people on the outside. Boring and selfish. There’s so little room for any demands on time or energy beyond the absolute essentials. Depression IS depressing. And as much as it sucks on the outside of it, it’s a lot worse on the inside.
It’s funny. When you come out the other side, it’s like you leave the person who you were behind and a new one comes out. It’s like a rebirth. Or maybe it just feels that way because you aren’t being pinned down by the disease of your mind.
Either way, all you have to do is breathe in. And start.