Archives for 2018

Carla is one of the most caring members of the Operation Move Community and will often attend events, like the Melbourne Marathon pictured above, purely to support those that are running.

Zoey asked me to write my story about 3 years ago. I really wanted to and felt honoured. But I didn’t feel like it was the right time to. I avoided doing it. I didn’t forget, I avoided it. I wanted to wait until I had achieved the very pinnacle that I was hoping to, I wanted to lose more weight, I wanted to have run another half marathon (with no walks), I wanted everything exactly the way that I wanted my life to be before I shared my story. Kind of so it had an awesome ending, and that it felt like it was good enough, and to be honest, so that I felt good enough.

But that day never came. I waited. I loved reading other Op Mover’s journeys and didn’t raise them up to the same high standards that I was placing on myself. I genuinely applauded their honesty, vulnerability, and owning their struggles. I just couldn’t bring myself to write my own story. Plus, I had to wait until I could get that perfect photo of me to share with my story.

For the past few years I haven’t been able to articulate these exact feelings or even really understand them. I have been beating myself up about missing opportunities, purely through avoidance. This was happening in many areas of my life. I seemed to go in cycles of all or nothing. I would focus on one thing for a while, ie training for a run, I would manage to eat well and do most of the training to get me through. But if something happened that was out of my control, I would seem to completely lose all ability to commit to anything. I would avoid. I would seriously eat terribly, I mean really terribly. I would not even consider any form of movement or self care. It was like I was punishing myself. I could never understand it. I always felt so guilty and ashamed of it, but I didn’t know how to change it.

I didn’t realize I was living in chaos. It was the way I have been for a very long time, and most people wouldn’t even be aware that all this was going on for me. How could they? I couldn’t actually share this with anyone, no one would understand. I was just lazy, non committal and I didn’t deserve to be able to achieve great things and to love and honour my body. Don’t get me wrong, I have had times in my life when I felt proud of my body and of my achievements. But those times have been few and far between. Even with all my time in Operation Move and the opportunities I have been given within this community, I still couldn’t see that I was worthy. But you wouldn’t have known that’s how I was feeling. I kept that to myself.

I have been quiet in the community of late. Lots has been happening for me. I am studying to become a counsellor, I am seeing a counsellor, I have been doing the Crisis support training with Lifeline, I have been working through some historical grief and trauma, I have been eating my way through much of this and I haven’t been moving my body much. Up until recently I had been feeling pretty guilty about this last point, not moving. It is something that I honestly value so much but I just couldn’t do it. It was like something was blocking me from doing it. A wall. Or something.

Now, as I sit in the Aldi carpark, this is spilling out of my head at a million miles an hour. I am ready to share my story. I need to share my story. I am beginning to understand and be able to articulate some of my feelings and behaviours, and I am okay with them. I understand that they are a part of a much bigger picture and a symptom of some things that really were out of my control, and they were left unsaid. They were pushed down so deep that even I didn’t know how much they impacted me. Now I understand that much of my behaviour is underpinned by anxiety. Anxiety that I didn’t see, I just saw the behaviours and felt the impact, but I didn’t see that there is a genuine reason for my avoidance.

So, in a way I got my happy ending. I have learnt so much about myself and my behaviour patterns. I have accepted them. I have recently begun moving my body again and nourishing and nurturing it with good food and gentle exercise, and meditation. I am not pushing feelings away or avoiding them, I am allowing myself to feel them and accept them. They are okay. This is me. I am happy. And I am worthy.

So while this isn’t really the story about my moving, it’s still a story about my health, my mental health, and it’s moving in a positive direction. I have a feeling that you will be seeing me back in the community a bit more.

Bec is an active and valued member of Run Club, the Operation Move Community and is a Roller Derby skater. Bec originally shared her story in Run Club and it is reprinted here with her permission.

When I was 7 I found myself on the interschool cross country team (everyone who put their hand up got on the team). I came second last, had a tantrum and pretty much refused to run from that point on. I grew up in a family who didn’t really play sports – brief attempts were made at basketball and dance classes, but I wasn’t instantly good at them, so I lost interest pretty quickly. From the age of 16 I put on a bunch of weight and being active was just not a real priority for me.

Until I found roller derby 8 years ago, just before my 30^th birthday. Finally I had a sport that was so awesome that I was willing to push past the fact that I was pretty terrible at it, and just keep trying. Roller derby got me more interested in general fitness and when one of my team mates told me she was going to run a half marathon I just thought she was the best thing ever.

About 6 years ago, I got word of parkrun and that it was starting up in Victoria at Albert Park and I dragged my husband and some colleagues along. Turns out they could all run quite well. But I ran 5km non-stop for the first time that day and even though in those early days of parkrun when there was no walkers I pretty much always had the tail runner hot on my heels, I felt pretty great about getting out there and giving it a go. I dabbled in a couple of other events (a 5km and a 10km) but I never did any running outside of events. Just “going for a run” wasn’t something I did.

5 years ago we moved to Bendigo and there was no parkrun, so that was the end of my emerging running career, until my husband and some other local runners got it going up here. At the start of 2016 I starting pushing a bit harder at parkrun, picking up 5 consecutive PBs in a row. Feeling good, I signed up to do an Ekiden marathon (7 team mates each doing legs to cover the marathon distance) with some of my roller derby team mates, most of us not really being committed runners. We came dead last (by a lot), but had a great time. And it got me thinking that maybe I would like to be able to run 10km.

In July that year my husband and I were in Europe on our honeymoon. In each new city we arrived in, he would get up early and go for a run and get to see a side of the city that was closed off to me. Before we left our final stop in Prague, I had signed up to with Operation Move, with the aim of running 10km at Melbourne Marathon Festival. I had come across the Op Move podcast and been listening to it at the gym and it sounded like the kind of support network I needed. I decided to take some time off roller derby and focus on running instead.

Turns out I had underestimated my abilities – I hit my 10km target in 6 weeks and pushed on to complete 2 x 15km events before the end of the year. In the post-race afterglow of my first 15km event, I entered the ballot for the Berlin Marathon with my husband and his brother. We got in. Suddenly, my 15km needed to be 42.2km. But I had 9 months. I figured if someone can grow a baby in that time, I could run for a few (or a lot) of hours. I ran my first half marathon at Wangaratta in Feb 2017, and whilst I was pushed to my limits that day, I felt like a marathon was not out of reach in 6 month’s time.

A few more half type events through the first half of 2017 taught my some valuable lessons, and at the end of June I was in taper week for Gold Coast half, with my marathon training plan ready to kick off when disaster struck. I rolled my ankle in my driveway at home, tearing ligaments and ending up in a moon boot for a few weeks. Goodbye marathon training. No running for 6 weeks meant that there was no time for me to do the training required to do the marathon, and come September 24^th I was standing on the sidelines in Berlin, playing support crew for the rest of my team. I had a great time, seeing some of the best runners in the world and cheering on other Australians, but when I saw the steady stream of 6 hour plus marathoners, I was a little bit heartbroken.

On the positive, I had healed up enough that in every city we visited on that trip I was able to get out and do that early morning run around the city that I had dreamed about last time. I was back on track and refocussed my goals on the half marathon at Melbourne. I ran a PB that day and got to spend some time with more of my Op Move Run Club friends for the first time face to face.

For 2018 I set myself some new goals. I’m playing roller derby again and trying to juggle that with running. My running goal is to complete half a dozen half marathons for the year (Wangaratta, O’Keefe, Gold Coast, Run Melbourne, Shepparton, Melbourne Mara). I don’t really have any time goals, just to be able to run them comfortably and still be able to function afterwards. I want running to keep being a fun thing that helps me celebrate what my body is capable of. So far, I have ticked off the first 4, though an awkward fall at derby training has possibly ruled me out for Shepparton. Have got my fingers (and toes) crossed for a speedy recovery!

I have met such amazing people through running – both through Operation Move and in my local community, and it has helped me to form deeper bonds with people I know through other ways, that are runners too. I get really excited anytime a friend asks me for running advice, when they recognise that even though I’m a back of the pack runner, I still have knowledge to share. It makes me all warm and fuzzy when someone tells me they have decided to give running a go cos they see how happy it makes me. Running has given me confidence and reiterated that I am strong and determined and that hard work delivers rewards.